..::Auditory hallucination::..

There are so many hidden things inside of me

It made me change so much

It put me to sleep, it tied my hands and feet

It trapped me in a dark room

The pieces of lost time

The memories of love that I threw away

They have been deleted and thrown away

Only the outer shells remain

Without knowing anything, I just shouted

I just have that memory

My heart that was cold as ice

It will be forgotten after I sleep

I want to escape from this pain that chains me down

Someone wake me up

From my soul that is filled with scars

The deeply colored night sky

Is filled with you, who won’t leave

It wakes me from my sleep

Kissing me again

Your voice that whispered I love you

Your scent, I hear it in my ears every day

Where are you?

You’re hidden in a place where I can’t see you

The pain you received for me

When my anger becomes one

I’ll chase the lost memories from the deep sleep

I want to find the real me that is not you

But the bruises in my heart are too big

I try hiding it but they hide in my heart and wake me up

I met you on the other side of my horrible memories

You embraced even my lost feelings

Helping me get up from being broken

I’m trying not to let go of your hands

I’m trying to erase the nightmares

I’m trying so hard

In this place where I trapped myself

I want to roll up the darkness

And find you

Though I can’t touch you

Or be held by you

What controls me

Isn’t what lives in me

What can heal me isn’t strong medicine

It’s just love

The voice I hear in my ears

Wakes me up from being lost

After it wraps around me and kisses me

It disappears and I can’t see it anymore

The deeply colored night sky

Is filled with you, who won’t leave

It wakes me from my sleep

Kissing me again

Your voice that whispered I love you

Your scent, I hear it in my ears every day

Where are you?

In the night sky that I can’t touch

I see you turning back

Making me escape from the exhausted days

Making it into a picture

I’m sorry, I say as I hold onto you

Don’t go far away, I call out to you

In the sadness that I can’t ever see again

Tears fall again

..::Being rejected::..

Assalamualaikum & hye

So tadi aku terbaca fb post ni

And aku suka komen ni

Untuk menjaga kesihatan mental, ok melampau

atas sebab nak release stress, 

aku tengok balik kdrama yang dah lama semalam

Aku tengah save data internet actually

Aku dah tak boleh spend data lavishly macam dulu

Stream lagu BTS INFINITE suka hati ja

So nak ceritanya, tipikal drama korea, akan ada 2nd male lead

yang bapak perfect tapi 1st female lead (heroin) 

tetap nampak hero jugak yang perfect

Haha

Tapi apa yang aku suka, 2nd male lead tu, walau hati terseksa

cool ja dia cakap dekat heroin

"the best choice is your choice"

Haihh 

Heroin tak confuse, aku yang confuse 

nak ship dia dengan hero mana satu

Anyway, sebab tula aku setuju ja dengan komen kat atas tu

Back to the post, so that girl choose to stan kpop group

sebab kena reject

Aku sebagai pendengaq kpop since 10 years ago nak habaq

Buleh la nak distract sat

Tapi kalau tak bagi peluang dekat hati untuk nak heal the pain

untuk nak move on,

tak guna jugak sis

Hang akan lagi psycho kalau hang dengaq lagu break up

or lagu one sided love

Hang dok merana sorang-sorang crush hang bahagia ja hidup

Baiklah bagi peluang dekat diri untuk move on 

Aku paham, ujian orang ni macam-macam

Ikut level masing-masing

Mungkin bagi certain orang dia dah hadap benda ni zaman sekolah

So dah tak layan la ujian macam ni

Tengah layan kencing berak anak yang dah nak masuk 3 orang

Tapi aku suka selami hidup orang-orang yang macam ni

Sebab depa dah matured in various part yang aku tak matured lagi

After all, life is a test

Being rejected is a test

Dah 6 bulan resume aku kena reject

Lebih dari 20 kali confirm

Tapi sebab aku pernah tunggu (sorang-sorang, syok sendiri) 

1st ex crush aku 4 tahun and 2nd ex crush aku 3 tahun,

setakat 6 bulan tu apalah sangat kan

Haha

Naa..

Aku bersyukur Allah bagi aku kekuatan dan kesedaran untuk still

bersyukur and keep on moving forward

Walau aku ni jenih senang patah semangat

Aku pernah tulis kan aku stan JM sebab dia jenih cepat down

tapi cepat heal balik and continue the battle?

Haha

Kpop tetiba

To every single living soul (muslimin and muslimat) who was being rejected,

may Allah heal the pain away and grant you a better destiny

Ameen

..::Thank you Allah for sending me Nur in this Ramadhan::..

Assalamualaikum & hye

As I said before, Allah hadirkan Nur untuk selamatkan aku dari cengkaman BTS’s new album yang hadir time bulan puasa (psst.. Blackpink comeback Hari Raya kot. Ujian ujian). Well the new album is a dark side of Love Yourself version anddd dia sangat lah relatable dengan aku. Aku dah karang panjang berjela before ni kan pasal those theories bagai and it seems.. right. Terror ahh ARMYs.

Masa dok tuleh aim Ramadhan dekat planner yang ang (ya ang la Aishah) bagi tu, aku terjeda seketika. Aku rasa aku nak something else lagi but I can’t figure out yet, at that moment. So few days of Ramadhan passed by, aku terbaca ig post Ustaz Hasrizal pasal Nur. I was like.. Oookay.. Drama Islamik dekat TV3. Hmm, why not give a try then decide la nak tengok lagi ka dak.

Aku pun tengok dengan zero expectation and a little bit underestimation. Jangan salahkan aku. Mak aku kaki drama Melayu. Kalau aku tak tengok pun sekali dengaq actors actress deliver the script pun I was like whattt… But yeah Nur is another level. The script was remarkable, indeed. The plot is not the-cliché-Malay-drama-plot. Aku seriously adore watak Nur tu. Like seriously! Nur memang watak yang solehah dan mensolehahkan. Aku tertarbiyah dengan bait tutur kata seorang Nur. 

Watak tambahan pun best. Pak cik Mukhsin the best. He’s the real hero for me. Mirul pun baguih sangat. Just adala dia bertindak di luar rasional sikit. Ustaz Yassin is the unsung hero, really. Malaih nak sembang pasal Adam panjang-panjang tapi bagi aku dia adalah watak hero yang lack of persistence, perseverance and passion. Tapi aku boleh terima la scriptwriter wujudkan watak hero lagutu sesuai dengan plot drama dan watak-watak yang ada.

So back to my unfigured out aim, alhamduLillah I finally got my new aim in the middle of Ramadhan and insyaAllah I’ve accomplished it. Walau belum 100% but I’m pretty sure it’s approaching 80%? Gred A dah tu kan. AlhamduLillah. And that specific aim is to be contented.

I have to accept who I am. My flaws, my bruises, all those ups and downs, those family’s drama and everything in between. Because only by acknowledging all those things then a slave can accept the fated fate. And accepting the fated fate is the way to be contented, insyaAllah. Allah has granted me with so much privilege to be a pious and good slave. “So which of the favour of your Lord (Allah) would you deny?”

Seriously I seriously encourage semua rakyat jelata sekalian untuk menonton drama Nur walau dah tamat. Haha.

Salam 29 Ramadhan 1439H

Taqobalallahhu minna waminkum

May Allah bless